You're how far along??

Over the 'hump'?  Most days I think so...we will be officially at 18 weeks pregnant on Monday.  Amazing.  I still don't believe that I will be holding a little one that grew inside of me in just a couple months.  Sometimes my disbelief scares me to death.  I have been telling myself all along, it will become real when we hear the heartbeat at 13 weeks, it will become real when you start showing, it will become real when....I just don't know when it will become real, I can only hope soon.  The 20 wk sonogram is scheduled two weeks from Monday, and provided the baby cooperates we will find out the sex.  Sure I would like it to be a little girl, but honestly it doesn't matter that much to me.  I am just praying that the baby is healthy and growing like it should be.  Because let's face it, mama is still at her pre-pregnancy weight and barely has a rounded belly.  Those are my biggest fears right now...so maybe it will be real after we walk out with a 'clean bill of health' and lots of adorable pictures from the sonogram, maybe.

Thank goodness the next two weeks will FLY by...because we literally will be flying.  I am so excited to go on vacation to Mexico, see a wedding on the beach, and eat lots of yummy food (and maybe gain some weight!??)!  We bought the tickets while we knew there would be a good chance I would be pregnant, so we also bought the insurance that we could get our money back if the doctor said no, you don't need to be going.  But the OB had no problem and said to go have a great time!  So we will be!  I have my back-up insulin plan all ready to go and plenty of test strips and pump supplies and syringes and...

I know I should really relax about the baby being ok, my sugars really have been quite excellent and after I lost about 4 lbs in the first trimester, I have gained that back so I am at my pre-pregnancy weight...I just need to have a little faith in the miracle of life growing inside me.  :) 

Oh how I forgot....

Did I feel this wiped out after sleeping for 10 hours last October?  I forgot how much weeks 6-? of a pregnancy really wiped me out!!  Sooo tired, headaches, nausea, and more.  Sounds like the side effects of some stupid drug that 'cures' some minor ailment like dry eyes.  I have to learn again what will help me cope...lots of sleep seems to help out, when I am not lying awake at night for hours.  Ah hopefully it will be over by August 1, I pray that I get accustomed to the hormones quickly and this baby is strong to withstand occasional swings with my sugar and less than stellar diet.

A huge boost last Friday was visiting the OB's office and getting to see the tiniest little baby (the tech said about the size of a grain of rice) that was more of a blob than anything else.  But just a little flicker in the middle of a heart pumping away.  It was a beautiful sight, I cried.  What else would I do?  Hormones racing through my body and being sooo nervous that I wouldn't see that heartbeat.  I couldn't help but tell all of my family I saw over the holiday weekend!  Its early, and there could still be problems, but we have faith that there will not be!

Hoping that the next appointment comes fast and we will get to see the baby sooner than later!  

:) and :( and :) and ???

Whew!  It has been a while, yes.  But my goodness sooo much has happened!  The end of March I did get my act together and got the CGMS test through my D Educator...my new sensor came within 2 weeks after that...still not sure what that cost me (or should I say the insurance company since they haven't figured out the money part, but I have met my deductible).  And I also was approved for a new pump (with all kinds of fun features that work well with the CGMS system!!).  So April and May were learning months - holy cow - my blood sugar does WHAT when I eat?  And then it was time to start trying to get pregnant.  Yep, we are lucky and it happened the very first month we tried! 

I like to say that I am 'cautiously optimistic', but in reality I am still in disbelief that I am really pregnant - despite the fact that I have had positive tests at home and a positive blood test at the Dr.  Then, when I am not in disbelief I am scared out of my mind that this pregnancy will end the way the last one did. 


But I am going to be positive and visualize a healthy baby (girl if you ask my mother) that will be here around Valentine's Day 2011.  And I am so excited!  Praying that all goes well inside and I am doing well keeping my blood glucose in the recommended range (which lately has seemed very unlikely...) 

Until next time :)

The good, bad and ugly

Keeping with the last post I have been doing well managing my diabetes.  Keeping sugars in check and exercising on a somewhat regular basis, the motivation still lacks in that department. :(  I have been devoted to checking my sugar at least 4 times a day, or  6 or 10 times somedays.  I am going to have to order more test strips soon. ;)  But despite my diligence, I still feel like I have a lack of information with where my sugars have been.  Like a newbie, I was trusting my old meter to tell me where I was, not using the control solution to make sure that my meter was reading accurately...duh.  It wasn't.  Found that out when I went to my endo and was low...my meter said 84, their meter said 49....besides being low and having a few symptoms like confusion (not the full blown shaky, sweaty, couldn't do simple addition symptoms, I was pissed!  And usually when I am really pissed, I am mostly mad at myself for doing something stupid, something I knew better about.  

Needless to say, I did have another meter at home with new test strips that I was planning on using after I finished up all my old test strips.  I did a little control solution check of my own on the new meter and with the old meter.  With my BG at 125 on the new meter the old meter read 185.  Ugh, how long had it been that far off.  But now I feel confident that we are on track and I know that I wasn't really 95 and feeling low-probably more like 55 or 60 and feeling low.  But my A1C came back at 6.8, so my endo was happy, and I will be interested to see what the A1C comes back next time, since my sugars have been really quite good lately. :)

Here comes the sun

The first few lines of "Here comes the sun" seems so very appropriate this morning.  Even though it is still winter, I can feel the sun starting to warm me.   December and January were hard, emotionally and physically.  I had no energy, wanted to eat everything (can you say emotional over-eater), and didn't do too much with managing my diabetes.  But just a few days ago, something clicked...I suddenly felt, yes I can be the best me, take care of myself, prepare my body for carrying a child.  I got up and put in a workout DVD, kicked some ass and have kept rolling since then, my sugars have been very good, and I am more confident than I have been in a long time!  Hopefully one year from today I will be close to holding a new baby in my arms!  I can do it!  I WILL do it!  Next Diabetes Dr appt is in 1 month, A1C may be wacky because of the last two months of diabetes apathy, but clean sweep from here. 

'little darlin, its been a cold, long, lonely winter' but here we go 'here comes the sun'!

Baking Queen

Over the last week I have been a baking queen.  Making all kinds of different baked goods from scratch.  My most recent concoction was bread pudding, which was yummy!  I used a pan that was a little larger than was called for in the recipe, so it wasn't as thick as I would have liked, but next time it will be better.    I've never been one to be particularly inclined to bake except for tried and true recipes, perhaps baking a new recipe only two or three times a year.  However, in the last week I have made at least 5 new recipes.

For 2010 one goal that I have is to get healthy, lose a little weight, and prepare my body to hopefully carry a baby.  Keeping my business running and making money to support itself and my family is very important as well. I need to work on those two things and goals that are measurable. 

Amy's Life - 2009 Recap

At the closing of 2009 I feel a bit reflective, not to mention it is a wonderful opportunity to introduce myself to potential readers (welcome, by the way). 2009 has been a great year, and a rough year. I started the year living with my wonderful boyfriend who has traveled a similar road as I. We both grew up in small towns in Kansas, went to a secondary school, married and divorced from people who were in our lives at the time we thought would get married (we married because it was the time to get married), both of our exes managed to help us spend our way into some pretty hefty debt - which both he and I took more of the responsibility for (by choice or not), and we each lived in a house that we owned, renting out part to help make ends meet, and we were both on Match.com looking for someone to spend our lives with. We met in March 2008, by October 2008 he moved in with me, committing to a 2 hour round trip commute each day.

So, as I was saying 2009 started with my wonderful boyfriend. The spring was fairly uneventful, in a good way. June was very busy, I started with photographing local dance recitals, and attending a photography school in Iowa for a week, photographing local baseball teams, and getting engaged! My man, D, proposed to me when I returned home from the school in Iowa, and totally caught me off guard!

We decided to have a short engagement, and keep the wedding simple. Our ceremony was August 28, in a park near my Grandparents home. We had only immediate family attending, my parents, my brother and his family, D's parents, his siblings and families, and my grandparents. It was everything we wanted.

Just about one month later we found out I was pregnant! It was very exciting, we hadn't planned it but were very, very excited. The next 6 weeks seemed like an eternity waiting for the next appointment with the Dr to find out more about the baby, to make sure everything was ok, to see him or her, to begin our family. November 16 was the first time we saw the baby on the sonogram. It was beautiful, and exciting, and heartbreaking. For some reason, the baby's heart had not developed normally, and was not beating. The baby was not alive. That was the hardest day of my life.

There have been many hard days since then. Luckily I was busy with work to keep myself from falling into a deep depression. My desire to keep my business afloat managed to keep me from being a total mess. But I give myself more credit than I deserve, My new husband, who was always so supportive, became my strength. He kept me from falling when I could have easily crumbled.

The holidays were hard. Gathering with families were not how I imagined them to be, as a pregnant Amy. There were lots of things I would rather be doing than celebrating holidays with family (which really isn't normal for me). I survived, and I did enjoy seeing family, despite the nagging saddness and loss that still plagued me daily.

So that brings us up to date. For 2010, I will have a positive outlook. I know there are wonderful things that happen with the power of positive thinking. D and I want to start our family (our human family, our 4 furry children are well loved, though) and we know that the next time that I get pregnant, the baby will be healthy!